September 17th, 2016 By Dingo

It all started with an Amber Alert, A Major Pain Groping and a Drunk Mexican looking for ice.

Dont worry, it was all uphill from there.

This journey started many months ago when a few of us decided to try and put together a Blue Ridge Relay(BRR) team from the 3 AO’s mentioned above. This was not going to be an easy task. We didn’t believe there were a lot of strong distance runners amongst us, heck WE were not strong distance runners. But we sent out the call and men responded. More importantly, 12 men responded. We had our team.

What we didn’t know was that we would have to replace 5 of those men along the way. The Farm and I spend many a day and night trying to convince men to join us in this craziness. In the end, we had our 12 again and 2 awesome van drivers;

The Farm
Man Down
Trail Mix
Icicle
Cinderblock
Brutus
R2D2
Urlacher
Major Pain
Landlord
Durden
Dingo

Drivers – Pongo & Buckwheat

So we trained. We trained and we trained some more. Many trips to SRR, Chickenfoot, Devils Pitchfork and more. 3 days a week we hit the pavement and I gotta tell you, these guys just knocked it out. It sucked! It plain sucked! But they kept pushing, getting stronger, faster, more determined. And before we knew it, It was time to load up the vans and head up to the start line.

Months of nerves, confusion, stress, deliberation was about to be put behind us! But not before the late van stopped at Chick-Fil-A for some vanilla milkshakes! Well…..that might just have been me, but the other guys were eating unhealthy crap too!! Farm was disappointed, but hey…..he always is. So after a long ride listening to R2D2 discuss the values of Kenny Rogers Penis, we arrived at the hotels. We had an early 7:00am start time, so rooms were assigned and we headed off to get a good 8 hours sleep before the toughest race of our lives. Oh wait…..that didn’t happen. We went to the store so that Icicle could get beer and R2 got a massive Kenny Rogers appendage sized hoagie. At this point I thought sleep would be mine. Nope. There was a panthers football game to finish watching. The Farm had disappeared. Apparently he was sick to death of us, so he shut off his phone and went to bed. We were only 2 hours into this journey and our Captain was already done with us.

At around 2:00am Icicle decides that the coolers need Ice…..he was well named.

So Van 1 headed out the next morning to the start. Van 2, who would not be running for 4-5 hours decided to sleep in and take advantage of a free breakfast. Interestingly breakfast consisted of 3 choices. 1 of these choices was a cigarette. I kid you not. The lovely 3 toothed server/chef carefully placed a packet of cigarettes with a lighter in a bowl on the table so that all could help themselves. We ate one of the worst breakfasts I’d ever tasted and headed off to meet our boys.

It was noted by Brutus that Man Down had packed enough stuff that it seemed he was going to summer camp? Brutus made sure he had his Blankie, stuffed toy and footie jams.

Van 1 had already started and we were bombarded with news that @MajorPain had run his first 3 mile leg at 7min/mile pace! Unheard of by the big guy, who usually settles in at his 10min pace and can’t be budged from it! But wait, there was more news and a clue to Majors new found youthfulness. You see, Major had the luck to be roomed with a 30 year old man who goes by Urlacher. None of us knew that Urlacher like to sleep walk. And none of us knew that Urlacher like to snuggle up to 50 year old men in his sleep. Well it happened. All I can say is that can be the only thing that pushed Major to such speeds! I will add that Urlacher did not hear the end of this for the entire race and may not for the rest of his life. It seems at Major had some more inspiration at the start of Leg 1, some dude was next to him wearing a pink tutu. Major said “I would NEVER get in that van” He then found out he was racing the tutu man. He blew past him at 7min pace and even had time to change a tire on another van during his leg.

Leg 1 – Major Pain – 3.90mile “Easy” – 27 mins

Urlacher was up next. Inspired by his bedmates 7 min miles, he also killed his legs at a 7 min pace. This leg opened our eyes to something we were not expecting, gravel roads a DUST! The many vans driving by kicked up a ton of it.

Leg 2 – Urlacher – 7.5 mile “hard” – 57 mins

Landlord stepped up to take on Leg 3. Apparently he prepared by eating gummy bears and a snickers bar! Landlord soon to be mentor Brutus was very confused and intrigued by young Landlords pre race prep. Landlord had heard the noise about his brothers running at 7 min pace and he continued to run at this crazy pace!

Leg 3 – Landlord – 5.2miles “Moderate” – 37mins

The student had run and now it was tine for the mentor! Brutus took the reigns and didn’t let up! Notes from Brutus;

The EZ was at a little mountain church and like a mountain church, it was open. I spent more than a few minutes in there praying what has become in my life a staple prayer…”Oh Lord, I’m about to do something really stupid again, please protect me”. I wish I never read the 2015 BRR backblast from Highlands where Nanny writes that this leg “sucked the life out of him” and “was his hardest leg”. I hoped that in 2015 he was an overweight slovenly version of the current running animal Nanny. The first few miles were down up and down a good sized hill and wasn’t too bad but I could see the mountain ahead. The van came by and gave me a bottle of water which I needed. Puked most of it up when I tried to run uphill and drink at the same time. After completing a section with about 3 1/2 miles of unbroken assent and not all of my life sucked out, it turned downhill and it felt like I was flying. I could see about a mile of straight ahead downgrade and I was so happy, except when I ran right past a turn sign in my euphoria and about 50 yards downhill. Eventually sensing something wrong, I cruelly needed to run back up hill to get back on course. The last 1/2 mile was uphill again, passed a runner, then saw the whole team at the finish which was awesome. I said it was like 5 SRRs all together. Farm later told me he thought I said 9 and it scared him. I was glad to have my first leg behind me and pretty happy with my time, nearly the same as 2015 slovenly Nanny’s.

Leg 4 – Landlord – 6.90mile “Hard” – 56 mins

R2D2 was up next. Van 2 met Van 1 at this EZ, so we had our first look at what the BRR looked like. The excitement was high and Major Pains hunger was even higher!! Major believed that his hunger should be a huge motivator for the pax to run faster! R2 did not disappoint, he destroyed his first leg! He did make a wrong turn, but a friendly shop owner point out his error to Major who got R2 back on track. Possibly the only wrong turn by our tea,(that I know of).

Leg 5 – R2D2 – 4.8 mile “moderate” – 44 mins

The youngest MAN on our team took over next, 19 year Durden was about to have one of the toughest runs of his life! The heat had really settled in at this point and I don’t think any of us were expecting it to be this hot. Durden knocked it out though and brought Van 1 to the end of their first legs in style! Big props for a 19 year old to be out here doing this with a bunch of old men. Durden’s biggest concern was finishing the leg in time so that Major Pain could get to lunch in Boone!

Leg 6 – Durden – 6.7 mile “Hard” – 61 mins

Van 2 takes over the charge

Leg 7 was run by the Farm, he wrote his own description;

Although this was the shortest leg of the race, I was nervous at the start of this one. We had just visited the boys of van 1 at EZ 4 and Brutus, one of our strongest runners had just mentioned that his leg was the equivalent of running SRR nine times…and I had a mountain goat leg coming at the end! Also, it was 11:30am and the sun was beaming down. It was hotter than previous years. Anyway, Durden came around the corner, slapped the bracelet on me and I was off. I remember thinking this did not match the description of “rolling hills.” However, that’s because I hadn’t seen the other legs. Looking back…they were rolling. Anyway, I got my first kill of the race, gave some encouragement to the guy that I passed, and finished by slapping the bracelet on Cinderblock. Apparently I muttered “good luck” in a not so encouraging tone.

Leg 7 – The Farm – 2.3 mile “Easy” – 18 mins

Cinderblock donned his Tome Cruise “Top Gun” glasses and we knew this shit was about to get real! The Farm had finished his measly 2.3 mile run and it was time for the big boys to take over. It was all about the heat at this point. Cinderblock crushed it though and arrived way earlier than we expected!

Leg 8 – Cinderblock – 3.1 miles “Easy” – 27 mins

The next leg was mine. And I was excited! So excited that I ran the fast mile I’d ever run in my life!! Unfortunately it was the first mile and I gassed quick. This was my only “Easy” run so I was expecting it to be….well….”Easy”. I quickly learnt that there is no such thing as easy on the BRR. Only 114 Feet of elevation, but it was steep and totally unexpected. And then there was the heat. It was HOT! The last 1.5 miles of this run was flat, but i couldn’t even enjoy it because I was gassed and it was so hot. I knew I had to take my next legs a lot more seriously and keep a close eye on my pace.

Leg 9 Dingo – 4.5 miles “Easy” – 42 mins

It should be noted here that while i was running, Van 1 was at lunch. Urlacher decided that it was a great time for a beer. A beer in the middle of a race? The Farm was not impressed.

Icicle took over the rains. He was fresh from his late night drinking, I mean “Preparation” and was eager to run! He did not disappointed. Crushed his first leg.

Leg 10 – Icicle – 5.3 mile “easy” – 46 mins

Man Down took over for the next leg. A long, hot 8 mile “Very Hard”. The first Very Hard of the day. We were all interested to see how hard it would actually be. We drove it and all I can tell you is that it looked absolutely AWFUL. Massive 2-3 mile climb, some of which was on gravel. But he was ready and he tore it up!! Hats off to Man Down on this leg!

Leg 11 – Man Down – 8.4 mile “Very Hard” – 77 mins

Trail mix would finish out Van 2’s first legs. TMix can correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this was his run on the parkway, so we didn’t get to see much of where he would actually run. But his face at the end of the run told us the story. It was really hot at this point and this was a tough run for Trail Mix. But he did what he came to do. Claps Tmix!

Leg 12 – Trail Mix – 6.1 Mile “Hard” – 58 mins

It was here where something very strange happened. Trail Mix is well known for generally being a “better” person than most of us. He never curses, he is polite, he calls us out when we over step the line. So what happened next was nothing short of historical and will be taught for generations to come. Mix look AWFUL at the end of this run, he wouldn’t talk to anyone and we were more than a little worried about him. Suddenly he turned and walked directly to me. As he was getting closer he pointed at Buckwheat and signaled him to come closer. He came right up to my face, literally inches away and whispered “Fuck You Dingo” and turned and walked away.

Meanwhile Major Pain was trying to chat up the old lady volunteers and was rudely interrupted by leg 13 slapping him in the face! This was Majors second leg and he will tell you it was his hardest. The heat was still playing a huge factor. But Major got the job done.

Leg 13 – Major Pain – 9.3 mile “Very Hard” – 114 mins

Urlacher took over and did what he does. Crushed it!

Leg 14 – Urlacher – 6.2 mile “Hard” – 45 mins

Landlord took over for the longest leg of the day. He was stocked up on gummy bears and again just killed it.

Leg 15 – Landlord – 10.5 miles – 85mins

Van 2 was getting dinner at this point and Urlacher was very disappointed that we went to Chillies……

In Brutus’s own words – This leg started at the entrance to Grandfather Mountain Park and was all downhill with the first 2 miles on an un-maintained single lane dirt road in the dark. It would have been a real pretty run in the light. I was looking forward to running fast and did but had to constantly watch my feet, stepping around big rocks imbedded in the road and washouts on alternating low sides. My blinkies kept getting jarred off my vest since the going was so rough and I had to stop and get them. I came across a poor dude whose headlamp was out and he was doing it blind. I asked him if he could keep up with me and ended up loaning him my white blinkie that was pretty bright and wouldn’t stay on anyway. I was happy with the finish but unhappy with the big blood blister that I acquired.

Leg 16 – Brutus – 3.2 mile “Easy” – 21 mins

R2 took over and put forth another great run!

Leg 17 – R2D2 – 2.9 mile “Easy” – 24 mins

It was time for Durden to run again and it seems to be the trend with this group that they are just going to crush these legs!

Leg 18 – Durden – 5 mile “moderate” – 43 mins

Van 2 takes over

In The Farms own words – I actually had been worrying about this leg since it was all downhill and my shin splints started flaring up a few months ago and wouldn’t die. Anyway, as I waited for Durden, I kept telling myself to stay at my own pace. Don’t start out too fast…etc. Then I learned that there were dogs up ahead chasing runners. Great… Durden tried to slap the bracelet on my arm too hard and the bracelet falls. I picked it up, put it on, and was off. So much for trying to stick to an 8:30 pace like I planned. I tore through the first mile at a 7:35 pace and passed three people. One guy said something about being worried about missing the turns. Dark. Cool. Headlamp and vest. I felt like I was in my element! I was alone for most of this route. Each turn was well marked. When I got within half a mile, I saw (or thought I saw) a headlamp. I turned on the speed to slap the bracelet on Cinderblock’s arm.

This was actually quite a funny sight to see Farm finishing this run screaming “THATS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, THATS HOW I RUN!” We got quite a lot of humor out of this…..

Leg 19 – The Farm – 5.8 mile “Hard” – 47 mins

Cinderblock took over and it had cooled down a lot at this point and guys were actually starting to enjoy the runs. CB was actually smiling at the end of this one 😉

Leg 20 – Cinderblock – 3.8 miles “Easy” – 32 mins

So i took over for leg 21 and again very much underestimated what I was up against. I knew the distance would be fine, it had cooled down so I enjoyed the temps and I could breathe. But the grades on these slopes was crazy!! 10-20% grades. Fortunately I had long up hills, followed by long down hills. But it was tough. I can’t decide if it was tougher than leg 33 because it was so different, but it was tough. Interesting too, I almost got run down in the first 2 miles and had to jump off the road to avoid being hit. And then some strange mountain man kept circling me and another runner for about a mile. creepy. I wasn’t expecting to see the van during this run, but I did and this is Buckwheats interpretation of what happened – Mile 6.2 of VERY HARD Leg. Van 2 parked and waiting for Dingo to make sure he’s not dead. Dingo: “GATORADE!” Bottle provided. Dingo: “Oh my god.” That’s all that could be mustered. TCLAPS, Dingo! The poor van was straight struggling on this one brother!

I finished and the sense of achievement was overwhelming! I couldn’t share this with The Farm because he slept through this entire grouping of legs. He was fired as Captain and Buckwheat replaced him.

Leg 21 – Dingo – 8 mile “Very Hard” – 87 mins

Icicle took over and his leg was short and through a small town. We passed him and he was, and I quote Buckwheat, “Running like he stole some shit!!”. Flat out crushed this leg!!

Leg 22 Icicle – 2.6 mile “Easy” – 19 mins

Man Down was up next for another hard run. I was really feeling sorry for Man Down at this point because I knew his last leg was known as one of the toughest. But again he did what needed to be done! Great job!

Leg 23 – Man Down – 6.6 miles “Hard” – 58 mins

Trail Mix took over and had a much more enjoyable run than his first one!! No cursing at all at the end of this leg. May have been because I had fallen asleep before he arrived.

Leg 24 – Trail Mix – 4 miles “Easy” – 32 mins

The Farm did decide to wake up at this point and somewhat cheer on Tmix and Major P. Van 2 got some well needed sleep(2-3hours) in a park with about 2000 other people. It was sleeping bag central. It was here that we had another strange encounter. Buckwheat came around to wake us all up and noticed that Cinderblock and Man down were sleeping very close, so he took a closer look, and a photo to prove it, and they appeared to be holding hands in their sleep. We are just going to leave it at that.

Van 1 takes over

Leg 25 – Major Pain – 4.3 mile moderate – 46 mins

Leg 26 – Urlacher – 4.4 mile “Moderate” – 34 mins

Leg 27 – LandLord – 9.1 mile “hard” – 75 mins

Brutus in his own words – If there were any flat or downhill parts of the first 7 1/2 miles it wasn’t much. Dark, foggy, and not a steep grade but never ending. This was my last leg and I was telling myself that I could endure anything for a hour. I repeated this to myself every 10 minutes. It was believable once I turned onto the main road headed the last 1 1/2 miles straight to the EZ, although still uphill. I passed 4 runners during the leg, all who were pretty rough. The first guy was from a 4 man team who had one runner drop. He said he still had 2 legs after this one and didn’t seem happy about it. He said he would end up running almost 70 miles during the race….nut case. The last guy was in bad shape and was going to walk the last mile…I told him there was just one more hill (encouragement I learned from Landlord). The last 1/2 mile was flat and felt good. I came in hot and thanked God I was done.

Leg 28 – Brutus – 8 mile “Hard” – 70 mins

R2 took over next and as the van pulled up behind him they noticed he was limping. So they slowed as they passed to check on him. He said he was hurting and needed some of Durdens morphine?? They gave him dome tylenol instead. Apparently this fixed him up and he finished strong!!

Leg 29 – R2D2 – 7 mile “Hard” – 66 mins

Its a good thing that its only 3 legs, because van 1 was starting to fall apart. Somehoe Durden LOST HIS RUNNING SHOES???!! He had to do his last leg in some casual shoes he brought with him. He paid for this with blisters and leg pains. But the kid still knocked it out! Bro, I was so impressed by this! Tclaps!

Leg 30 – Durden – 4.4 mil “EASY” – 40 mins

Van 1 IS DONE!

So while van 1 was running these legs, there was some definite strangeness happening in van 2. Buckwheat was good enough to document most of it, so I’m just gonna copy and paste……

Dingo: “Anyone wanna go w/ me to the port-o John?”

The Van: “Um, no.”

Cinderblock: “Dingo likes the feel of the blue splash.”

Dingo: “The only thing I don’t like about it is when it goes up your anus and kind of chews at you.”

TMI

We now know how Trail Mix lost all his weight…. Cinderblock: “He stopped drinking soda and shits his brains out” on the daily.

Trail Mix’s Mc Hammer impersonation was unforgettable! As was his handful of hand sanitizer???

Icicle threatening to “cut” everyone who had ever pissed him off. We were not sure if he was joking.

Van 2 is up!

In The Farms own words – Done! I felt really weird after finishing this leg. My goal was to keep running no matter what or how slow my pace was. My right leg was hurting the whole way up from a nagging shin splint that developed a few months ago. When I finished, I was so happy that I wanted to cry. I remember being hunched over and trying to fight that so my team wouldn’t think I’m weirder than I already am. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I had obsessed about this leg for almost a year and had bottled up and saved all of the negativity we experienced during our journey to get here. Some doubted that we knew what we were getting ourselves into or that we could even finish this race. I didn’t get myself up that hill. Thoughts of being told “You can’t do it” pushed me up that hill and knowing my team was at the top waiting for me pulled me. Thank you for both! Also, I wanted to represent for my Lakers so I wore a Davis Lake shirt during the climb!

After seeing this Buckwheat said “If he finishes that, I’m not gonna give him anymore shit. That looks brutal”.

Leg 31 – The Farm – 6.5 mile “Mountain Goat Hard” – 72 mins

Cinderblock took over for a 9 mile downhill leg. Cinderblock is the man you want by your side when the shit goes down. He just goes out and does what needs to be done. No complaints, nothing fancy, just gets it done!

Leg 32 – Cinderblock – 9.4 mile “Very Hard” – 86 mins

So 8 men on our team were done. This was depressing me, I wanted to be done. But I still had a mountain to climb. Literally a mountain, or as its known “The Nipple”. I had been dreading this run for 4 months. It proved worthy of my dread. It started out as a nice 2.5 mile meandering run through some beautiful countryside. Bit of a slope, but nothing too bad. I actually thought “Wow, this is gonna be easier than i thought”. I was wrong, so F’ing wrong. The nipple hit like Pamela Andersons breasts in a bikini. This thing was steeper and longer than anything I could’ve imagined. And there were NO switchbacks, it went straight up the mountain. I walked more of this than I ran. I fought many mental battles. I wanted to quit. But even more, I didn’t want to disappoint my team. So up I went. 900ft climb in less than a mile. I made it to the top, my brothers were waiting there with water. But I still had 2 miles to go and the other side was just as steep, only I was going down. Running down a steep incline after climbing 900feet is just plain hard. I was so relieved when this was over.

Leg 33 – Dingo – 5.3 Miles “Mountain Goat Hard” – 63 mins

Leg 34 Icicle – 4.5 mile “Moderate” – 42 mins

Man Down was up again and he was put to the the test again! Horrendous 2 mile climb that never seemed to end!

Leg 35 – Man Down – 4.2 Mile “Hard” – 42 mins

Trail mixed finished us off with a nice run down into Asheville!

Leg 36 – Trail Mix – 6.5 Miles “Very Hard” – 60 mins

AND IT WAS DONE

Truly proud to be part of this team. Absolutely fantastic job by everyone on the team!

Some funny shit that happened;

@Man Down: “What hurt the most coming down [that nine mile hill]?” @Cinderblock: “My pride.”

Because @Dingo isn’t in it.?.?.? He’s busy sucking on a nipple.

@Dingo Drained the nipple. Well, it may have drained him, but he had fun trying!

R2D2
Ill still go celebrate with you at a restaurant and enjoy ondle of the biggest freaking victories of my life. (Physicallly speaking). The 2nd biggest physical victory was when i gre to 9 inches. Grew*……in the 4th grade.

We fired @The Farm as captain, @Buckwheat is the current captain. Far more supportive

We need more Jesus in this group. So I added him. If you have love in your heart, you will not remove him.

The Farm – Hold the spot We are coming
Major Pain – Can I receive that order from someone else? I was told you quit

Dingo: “Anyone wanna go w/ me to the port-o John?”
The Van: “Um, no.”
Cinderblock: “Dingo likes the feel of the blue splash.”
Dingo: “The only thing I don’t like about it is when it goes up your anus and kind of chews at you.”
TMI

We now know how Trail Mix lost all his weight…. Cinderblock: “He stopped drinking soda and shits his brains out” on the daily.

Trail Mix’s Mc Hammer impersonation was unforgettable! As was his handful of hand sanitizer???

Icicle threatening to “cut” everyone who had ever pissed him off. We were not sure if he was joking.

The Farm – We definitely don’t see a small shirt in here.
Dingo – We see a small man, just no small shirt

Man Down – 10 hours sleep last night felt great! Missed @Cinderblock though.

Major Pain – I feel sore. But good though.
The Farm – are you referring to this morning or how you felt after rooming with @Urlacher ?
Major Pain – Farm get your mind out of the gutter. #jealous

Cinderblock – I just feel a little inadequate after seeing Dingo’s modesty tent photo. Other than that I’m good.

Buckwheat – Farm borrowed my headlamp and could see into the future w/ the size of that bulb on his large noggin.
R2, your brain is “special” for sure.

Major Pain – @Urlacher I hope she is not leaving because of me. It was just one night.

Major Pain – And I am flattered but I don’t see us being any more then friends @Urlacher

Major Pain – Guy spends 1 night with me, runs like a deer and feels he can conquer the world! MAGIC!

The Farm – I’m just now remembering @Trail Mix ‘s toe condoms. I saw him rolling some on yesterday.

Dingo – Did they cancel the Amber Alert?
Durden – Nope still active. Told them some old guys lured me into their van. But at least you guys were nice enough to get a hotel room

Major Pain – @The Farm if you were any flatter we wouldn’t be able to see you!

Trail Mix – Say what you want to about Farm’s relational leadership abilities… But this thing needed someone that was anal, anxious, and paid attention to details, and @The Farm was definitely the man for that job. TClaps brother!!

The Farms “Memorable Moments”;

-Urlacher climbing into bed with Major Pain
-Dingo being generally disgusting
-ManDown begging me to change my clothes for the ride back
-Everyone crushing their legs like clock work without complaining…just getting it done!
-Trail Mix’ face after finishing his first leg…and how he freaked us all out. One word. “Electrolytes.”
-Urlacher and Icicle having beers between legs, and still dominating.
-Saying weird things to Cinderblock each time I slapped the bracelet on his wrist.
-Buckwheat talking a LOT of trash…but also being an excellent driver.
-Us giving ManDown a bottle of water during leg 35, and him throwing it back at us.
-Trail Mix scaring a few of us after tripping on the side of the road where there was a huge drop

Butus “Memorable Moments”

While loading up Van 1, I saw what Man Down had packed, a lot, and I asked him if he was going to summer camp and if he had his blankie. That, his stuffed friend, and footie jams also he said.

While driving to West Jefferson and talking about what to eat for dinner and fuel for the weekend…Landlord argued that Gummybears were complex carbs because of the multiple flavors.

After leg 13 Major Pain taught R2D2 what the term “shit the bed” meant. No body thought that nor would have traded that leg with Major. That was a tough leg in the heat.

EZ 15…Brutus “that can’t be Landlord coming in, he’s way too slow…oh it’s Landlord. (It was dark though, and too be fair, he was in early).

Davis Lake, The Precinct, Tradition, Tradition Cruise

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