November 7th, 2020 By Gapper

15 Canton-bound gridiron greats welcomed ultimate football back to Harrisburg after a long construction-related hiatus. Here’s how it went.

WARMUP

• 15 SSH
• 15 IST
• Arm circles
• 5 burpees OYO

GAME TIME

We split into two teams of seven with IR-ridden Oz as our resident Hochuli to ensure everything went down fairly. And since YHC is writing this account, I can assure you all officiating & administration of this game was inherently fair and done with the utmost integrity. Some highlights of play:

• Some mumblechatter from the start that YHC made the field too narrow. YHC assured the peanut gallery everything was fine and if they wanted to make the decisions they should have taken the Q.
• Shortly after play began, YHC decided perhaps the field may benefit from being somewhat less narrow.
• Because the universe is just, the complaining team then gave up four quick scores on the newly widened field. “Shows them,” thought YHC before realizing he was also part of the same team. With a 5 burpee penalty after each score, the losing team was feeling the strain.
• The beating continued until the score reached 6-1, at which point the league office* issued a communication to the field that the 5-score mercy rule was in effect and any subsequent scoring by a team leading by 5 or more scores would result in a 10 burpee penalty.
• Dick Tracy kept insisting on punting off after a score instead of just throwing off, but eventually his kicks did only go out of bounds by a little bit instead of a lot.
• So, the winning team instead mocked the other team with an exaggerated Dean Smith 4 corners offense at the goal line.
• Unrelated, but immediately following said mocking, the league office* issued another communication announcing the trade of two players in the best interest of the competition.
• The losing team immediately began their ferocious comeback……er, immediately began ignoring entirely their new player. Sorry Tumbler.
• And yet, the score did tighten somewhat to 9-5, including a SportsCenter-worthy ballerina toe-tap  scoring catch by Tar Tar, who definitely controlled the ball all the way to the ground and didn’t bobble it and the ball didn’t touch the ground at all. The league office* confirmed the catch on instant replay.
• Showing who has all the kicking talent in the family, Caveman started driving kickoffs deep toward the end zone, forcing the losing team to march the full field to try to score.
• Both teams having decided burpees were stupid and no longer paying the penalty, the green team went on a scoring tear and extended their lead to 14-7 with 5 minutes left to play.
• Driven by nothing more than a desire for fairness & sportsmanship, the league office* announced the next team to score would win the game, and the next sequence will forever be remembered in the annals of ultimate football lore, or until someone else breaks a rib the next time we play.
• Tar Tar cemented his MVP status with a Deion Sanders-like interception, then threw a perfect Joe Montana spiral to a streaking Jerry Rice-like YHC who made a gracefully smooth and totally not flopping on the ground like a spasmodic walrus catch. The defender closed in but left his feet trying to block the next pass, which left a wide open lane for a behind-the-back winning pass to new team member Tumbler who was waiting in the end zone for glory & victory. “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!!!”

MOLESKIN

• T-Claps to everyone for a great & well-played game full of sportsmanship, and congratulations to the Green team for a dominating performance throughout the game.
• Millennium Race next Saturday 6am at Percent Tap House. 15ish miles, 10 waypoints, 1000 reps of exercises, and beer & tacos after.
• Thanksgiving morning football, 7am at Harrisburg Park. Bring the kids.
• Look for holiday service opportunities coming soon on Slack.

Harrisburg, The Rail Yard

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