February 1st, 2017 By Chum

A less than tasteful scrum of 8, including 1 on a very handsome Charger of Iron and Chrome (emblazoned with the titles of Harley & Davidson) posted around Ye Old F3 Mint Hill Shovel Flag for another humpday installation of Pain at Bain Academy, where we shall forevermore call it Pain Academy.

YHC quipped a quick little disclaimer about F3 workouts not made to be safe, so exercise at your own risk. We hope and pray that we all have the strength to face down what may cometh our way, if we do fail pray thee get up again. Modify as needed, time to mosey.

And mosey we did, up and around the Kindergarten parking lot for a mixed mode Capri Lap using Butt Kickers, High Knees, Karaokes, planks, and dare I say regular moseys. This alchemy already produced 1 refusenik who claimed he was nigh coordinated enough to do a karaoke without planting thine own face on pavement. This hearty and hateful pax finished said Capri Lap with a curious pose called ” Al Gore”, then 10 Air Squats in cadence, and 10 obscene little Monkey Humpers also in cadence. Wave and welcome the nice people and students to school gentlemen.

From thence we moveth on to that black topped paradise known henceforth as the Bus Lot for an aged game of Dora 1eth, 2eth, 3eth. Ye olde pax did paireth up into squads of couplets and performed gloriously the following efforts while swapping out the running lap:

• 100 team merkins
• 200 team LBC
• 300 team Air Squats

Once we completed the first of the games, Ye Honored Correspondant called out a quick round of the People’s Chair comingled with the 20 Air Presses in cadence.

Upon the completion of our trials, the whole of the pax mosied on for another game upon the hill. Sevens! YHC layeth out the course for all to hear, 1 burpee rep nigh at the foot of the hill, and 6 derkin reps upon its height. To travel between the 2 one must useth the reverse gear and feeleth the burn upon thy quads. YHC said “repeat so with 2 reps and 5, then 3 reps and 4 and so on till thy has completed 6 reps and 1.” Oh the wails that emanated from the pax on that winsome hill! Then to thy delight  YHC bellowed for the ever elusive Back Plank. Bewildered and stunned some of the pax were slow to fall in line till they fully grasped that he was not just laying around upon his backside. From this respiteful position YHC called for 3 rounds of 10 count hips raised high and 15 W’s in cadence. The W is a frustrating exercise learned during his travels to the hinterlands of The Tradition.

With our respite complete, YHC and thine pax ambulated ourselves to the beginning of the lane for what could only be described as hate upon hate; suicides, 3 times, to destroy whatever self thine has left. All of us finished, but some of our party staggered and even kneeled begging our Creator for one more wind because time has not yet elapsed the 45 minutes that no one ever paid for. Even so, we gathered around yon hillside for a trite dose of Mary, for everyone loveth this Mary. 30 LBC in cadence, followed by 15 reverse crunches and 15 freddie mercuries were the doses laid out before us with an added helping of homer to marge with some windshield wipers to cleaneth the fog from our eyes. Lastly YHC stole 2 minutes of the pax’s time to “stretch the legs” with a curious fashion of hugging knees and pulling them around.

AMEN gentile folk, until next time we shall meeteth again. AYE AYE

Pain Academy