February 16th, 2016 By JRR Tolkien

After almost a week of overdone-marketing, 25 PAX from across F3 Nation (METRO, MECA, Fort, A51, SOB) descended upon The Muthaship to play ‘Clash of Clans’ against each other.  Though there were several victors of battles, the winner of the war at the end of the workout was the Muthaship herself, who once again ravaged everyone’s cardio and legs, but left just enough for the warriors to want another crack at her… same time next week.

The Thang:

• 1) 5:15am sharp – Catch an Uber from Captain Jack Greenway to the Muthaship
• 2) Ride the elevator up from level 1 to level 12, and back down
• 3) At the base, do 1 arm circle (each arm… don’t cheat) & 2 toe touches (all toes but pinky toe)
• 4) Run to 7th Street Station, press all the vertical lights and enjoy their ringing
• 5) Repeato until 6:08 and catch the Uptown Trolley back to starting point for COT at 6:15am

Really? NO. The ‘ship isn’t for sadclowns. But, YHC had to convince the other regions to come to the Mutha somehow, so that was a their pre-blast.

The REAL Thang:

1. 5:15am sharp, head to the ‘ship
2. Up dizzy-back to top / 12 derkins (feet on top of the wall), back down spiral
3. Run straight out the ‘ship to N side of Imaginon walls, 12 ‘Luke Kuechly’ style box jumps (if wet, H-R merkins), back to ‘ship
4. Up the stairs to top (L on 6th, stairs entry on outside of ‘ship), 12 Hip Slappers each side (feet on wall), back down stairs, 12 Hip Slappers each side on wall at bottom
5. Up ramps to top (BACKWARDS up ramps & FORWARD on flats), 12 reverse burpees at top, run down dizzy-back (NOT ramps)
6. That’s RD 1… back up the dizzy-back and Repeat… next round to level 10 – 8 – 6 – 4 – 2 doing same # of reps for exercises as level. How many rounds will you get?
7. Leave the ‘ship at 6:08am and AYG head back to Captain Jack for COT at 6:15am sharp

Naked Moleskin …. NOONE spared in this backblast battle

It’s 5:10am and there are 16 F3 guys in the parking lot…. none from Metro.  YHC wondering where these guys are at? YHC at first thinks Horn’s Q last week was so pathetic difficult that this AO has now been abandoned and ceded to FIA.  YHC knows better and that these METRO ‘celebrities’ always want to roll-up and make grand entrances right before go-time.  Sure enough, they pull into the lot, and the Clash of Clans is about to go down…

A lot of strong performances out there this morning, none of which YHC really saw (#backofthepack). Foulball texted YHC the night before with a ‘requirement of the Q’ to prop open the door to the stairwell before hitting the dizzyback.  So much for YHC getting the #VT …. turns out that detour cost YHC 8 levels of ramps, 6 levels of the spiral, 6 levels of stairs and all the exercises in-between for time.  At the end of the workout YHC still won 1st place swag in the Asian American Category #renameYHCkungfupanda.

F3 – The FORT Clan (1)

• With no school, YHC was expecting Longshanks &Co to roll up in the clownbus to throwdown, but they were nowhere to be found…. Word is he opted to smash 3rd graders in a impromptu P.E. class and celebrate victory with a frothy latte at Starbucks that morning instead. (Feel better buddy, no fun being sick on a long holiday weekend).  Instead the Fort sent one of their top warriors, Red Banjo, to represent the clan.  This guy has officially recorded a sub 3hr marathon, and is documented as one of the fastest F3 Nation runners.  Banjo was the first one to the parking lot this morning, YHC saw him and immediately started scratching my head? This guy looked to be about 5’6″ 250lbs…. whuttt??? But then as YHC got closer realized he was actually a skinny dude wearing 7 layers of jackets (none as stylish as Mr. Brady), that his arms couldn’t even touch his sides.  He must have also had as many beanies on, since he didn’t hear the instructions that each round reduce levels by 2, and ran to the top each round. FAIL.

F3 – MECA Clan (2)

• There could not be a Lord of the Rings Trilogy without Frodo tossing the ring into the fire and destroying it at the end.  YHC didn’t see any rings get tossed as it was written, but by the smell in the stairwell, Frodo may have rewritten the story and tossed a whole lot of cookies instead.  His fellow warrior from the North, Astro-Van, looked more like a Handi-Van out there and YHC thought he heard the sound of a bus reversing up the backwards ramps run. Think he was in search of the old ‘fellers from up North, SS Minnow (60 *corrected*) and anyone from the Tradition AO, but none of them had gotten checked out of the nursing home this morning (#bedpan).

F3 – METRO Clan (9)

• Cindy arrived a few minutes early, and made his grand entrance by strutting to the middle of the football field parking lot calling anyone and everyone ‘ugly’.  Like some other quarterback diva, he had his gold shoes on, and started ‘dabbin on A51 PAX thinking he was there for a midget little person throwing competition and autograph session, not a F3 workout. His handlers Slaughter, Federalist, and Marv, pleaded for him to tone it down (which he didn’t), and switch shoes (which he did), and had him take off a minute early so he would lose by less.  After getting sacked round after round by the likes of Foul and Frasier, #champ refused to do interviews and walked off after COT, muttering “show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser!”. Wait to see what he posts on his Twitter account later… #CHuMP
•  The Metro PAX looked to have better competition within their own ranks than with the rest of the clans (#understatementofyear) and at one point looked engaged in a civil war.  Belly Itcher, TML, and Swamp all had an eye on each other the whole time, trying to figure out which of them was gonna rip their shirt off and go ‘METRO’ first… This morning… no one budged (#thirdnipple #tomatoareolas)
•  Horn threw out on Twitter the night before that he was going to bring his Triton to the clash of clans, and YHC was like “dude, this ain’t “The Little Mermaid”, it’s “Lord of the Rings”!  But as YHC saw Horn at the boxjumps, it all made sense… the Triton wasn’t for battle, it was to help him get up on the wall for the boxjumps since the short wall was not even twice his height. #apologiesbro
• Foulball and Frazier were going at it this morning in the battle of the Mini-Flyweights (105lb). Both completed the stairs in Level 6 Round when time was called, with Foulball taking the #VT for the workout.  Smiling ear to ear from  his performance, Foul was seen texting Material Girl and  Bunny immediately after the workout thanking them for #fartsacking so he could actually win, and asking for routing instructions to their bank accounts for deposit.

F3 – A51 / SOB Clan (13)

• A51 definitely brought a bunch of Turkeys this morning… not just the ones names Turkey Leg, and Wild Turkey. At one point thought I saw Marv, Astrovan, and Outback having visions of their former fat selves and chasing after these two fellas like they were their 9th serving of Thanksgiving dinner… but that wasn’t the case, it was just an illusion.
• Outback and Beaker made a course of their own today at the Mutha, and YHC saw them running moving side by side the entire morning like a pair of high school girls going to the bathroom together. Word is they were planning a gear workout with a new strength training tool that you REALLY SHOULDN’T SHARE called the ‘Tug Toner’…. you have got to check it out:  < https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHuU0EcZmHg >
• Shortly after COT, Material Girl and Bunny were seen texting Frasier and asking him for routing instructions to his bank account to deliver some of Foulball’s money for Frazier letting him ‘win’ the #VT.
• Hairball put up a strong performance and did well to keep pace with the Metro guys who were skipping exercises. Fresh off his Murderhorn record of 59 seconds yesterday, and at the suggestion of his “M” we are renaming him the “1-minute-man” next time he comes to a workout.
• Add 5 more miles to Gumbo’s annual total of nearly 200 running miles for the year in only one and a half months.  If anyone wants to know the definition of what ‘quality’ mileage is, talk to Gumbo, he’s now got all of 5/200 quality miles for the year.
• Mr. Brady had his form police badge on today not cutting any corners on the backwards ramps(called YHC out), but somehow thought we were supposed to do Richard Simmons step-ups instead of Luke Kuechly Box jumps at the walls.
• Heartbreaker was duly named, not because of his looks, but because the dizzy back makes him whease so hard you think he’s having a Heart Attack! Stay alive dude…
• According to Mr. Bean, it’s well known Lex Luther shows up for all the tough workouts, and I saw him at the Black Diamond workout too. But I Didn’t see him at YHC’s Q’s at The Brave and Stonehenge. But METRO is reporting he tried to post to the Silver Bullet Express Workout (60+ yr old workout). You are a beast dude!
• Fire Hazard, Mario, Wild Turkey, Outback, Heartbreaker* … you have all successfully completed The Trilogy. Congrats. I’ve crushed you enough in the previous backblasts, and so you can now crush my bar tab at the next 2nd F as per the contract (#onedollerdraftnight)

In all seriousness, YHC had a lot of fun this weekend with the trifecta of Q’s (thanks Foulball for the keys to the ‘ship), and really appreciate the PAX from all regions who risked their lives and braved the dangerous roads Uptown to post.  Hopefully all your legs are smoked and you have a tremendous sense of humor in reading this BB.  SYITG.

~ J.R.R. TOLKIEN out

*Disclaimer:  (easy critics not making fun of fat people… Marv, Astrovan and Outback have all lost 60lbs+. T-Claps fellas).

Announcements

• 5 Year F3 Nation Party (3/5/2016 7:00PM – 11:30PM) – Link: https://www.universe.com/events/5-years-of-f3-tickets-charlotte-C23H8T

• 2nd F Hike with Family & Picnic 1/23 Saturday @ Anne Springs Greenway (see weekly newsletter)
• SOB/IL Inaugural CSAUP “Balrog” on 3/12/2016. Save the date!….. Read the Pre-Blast Link and sign up: http://f3nation.com/2016/02/12/preblast-sob-csaup-balrog-march-12th-2016/

Muthaship Monday

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