May 9th, 2016 By Fishwrap

See PREBLAST here

Rated Restricted. PAX and 2.0’s under the age of 17 are not permitted to read without parental consent.

BB is dedicated to immature PAX with a good sense of humor.

Editor’s Note: It’s long. Give yourself 10 minutes or so for read through.

Foreskin:

YHC always expects to see at least 50 and was a little disappointed we were well short of that. It’d be sad if it weren’t so funny. What’s it take to get some of you to try something different, to interrupt your sleep pattern by 15 minutes and do something that isn’t easy and doesn’t suck?

If BHM is the DRP what’s the name of the pill we swallowed @MM?

I like @PurpleCrayon too, but c’mon, man. Heck, @Slaughter ran his crew over from SoDil #HeLoveMe

I’ll tell you who definitely wasn’t there — phantom PAX @KenyonSlider. Guess he’s wiggling somewhere in Foxcroft for his 5^th consecutive year 3@9 #iamslow Don’t adjust for summer hours. If you post and actually try and do something you can be back at the house showered and eating a snack before 0600. #keepnotpounding but please stop holding your friends back at [The Wiggler]

@LoveLetters arrived hyped up like a squirrelly mongoose about to get in a fight. Love that girl. Post-workout she looked exactly like that mongoose that got his ass kicked by that rattlesnake in Clint Eastwood’s ‘Any Which Way You Can.’ #RightTurnCeesus

The #TeaCupYorkie @Ballz was there. Is it my baritone voice or is he just skittish around men? I wanted answers and tried baby-talking him, “Somebody being mean to you? Who’s being mean to you? You’re a good boy. You’re doing a good job with MM! Yes, you are. Yes you are!” It usually works, but this tactic frightened him today. Is someone being mean to him? Please tell me, I’d like to know. I worry about him.

YHC hadn’t posted MM in 4 months so you’d think I’d be off my game. I’m not. I’ve said it before, I’ll Q more often if you’ll promise to get in better shape.

The Naked Man:

YHC proposed the roast to @PUNKle’s #BestMen and the idea was met with a thud, I mean it wasn’t even acknowledged. Instead, I was told of a lavish beach get away for the boys, one with a good house, crystalline blue waters and the finest white sand beaches this and that side of Charleston, perfect for long strolls and reflective conversations. I thought, are you kidding me… that sounds awful and immediately go all @BarryDiamond to stir shit up, suggesting a brick of blow, kidnapping @SpudsMacKenzie for a Budweiser sponsorship and footing the bill for the purchase of several to 20 GoPro’s (and Ho’s) – I said we’d let John take care of the hooker’s (get it, his name’s John) and I think John would make a damn fine middle man to pull dime piece strange for a debaucherous #HardcoreHenry weekend.

YHC’s generosity was denied faster than you can explain, “She was dead when I got here!” #VeryBadThings with exclamations such as, “Whoa, whoa, whoa Fish!” and “Wow.”, and my personal favorite, “Wrap, we’re married!” I tried reasoning with them; I reasoned that cheating doesn’t count when you’re at the beach. I reminded them of their high school graduation week and college days Spring Break. I reminded them of that wacko girlfriend that would give you a hard time for cheating on her. So you’d explain that it didn’t mean nothin’ cuz you were at the beach. But then she’d say something all true and stuff, like, “But you slept with 5 girls!” You’d clarify, “No, I slept with 2 girls. The other 3 took advantage of me when I was drunk.” So on and so forth, et cetera.

This went on for a while. They were having none of it and I finally gave up.

No drugs, no women and no fun. Got it.

You’re wrong, Fish, they said. We got this (no, you don’t). Said I was in for a real treat. A great bonfire and S’mores were planned for the first night and @John would play the ukulele for us – they tell me he does a mean rendition of @Rednex #CottonEyeJoe with a Cuban hanging from his jaw. With a bite of sarcasm, I add:

‘I’d like to bring my Fats Domino records #WhiskeyHeaven and phonograph, would that be okay?’ All the while thinking this is a bachelor party – these guys are as useless as Windows 10 #safemode.

Don’t give up on us, they say, then bait the hook: They share that @Danny has the recipe for #FizzyLiftingDrink, an aphrodisiac for oompa loompas (and possibly hobbits – I suspect that was his angle) and the end all, be all for a feel-good drank; a recipe he had gotten from @Dillard. Sadly, this John was not invited #tempo.

You see, this particular John, I was told, had been employed with Willy Wonka’s Factory in the Summer of ’95 courtesy of an intergalactic scholarship summer exchange program provided by the Forest Moon of Endor and had come into possession of said recipe after a tryst with a slutty lollipop kid (some of those #littlepeople were @WillyWonka’s on exchange from MunchkinLand.)

I didn’t believe it either and asked to see the recipe. He shows it to me. Yep, just as I suspected, the recipe notes had been transcribed in Ewokese and once translated the wedding PAX learn that the furry biped had lied about the origins of the recipe for #FizzyLiftingDrink (we now have reason to believe he got it from #Jewbacca, a drunk W&L alumni.) Come to find out, this #FizzyLiftingDrink is nothing more than 190 proof Everclear diluted with a little Mellow Yellow #LexingtonLemonade. Crazy as that it is, they don’t have a problem with the ABV as it serves their goal of catatonia. Well, at least Austin and Danny. Being a new and expecting dad, they really like the idea of short term immobility.

To read that may sound unreasonable, but whatever, they’re moving forward with their plans for mad consumption of hard liquor, horrible hangovers, corn eating contest and long miserable walks on the beach.

The Importance of Breaking the Fart Barrier:

Some time ago, sitting with @Uncle after #Caffeine, I shared some wedding stories and a favorite #Bridesmaids moment. I shared that during the highlight of my life, to that moment, my wedding day, at the reception no less, I made a critical decision and chose to trust a fart.

YHC had stepped out to the terrace overlooking the gorgeous grounds and rose gardens of the seminary with every intention of crop dusting the vegetation. That’s when it happened, nowhere near Vegas — I gambled and lost.

#dontdothat Not on your wedding day. Too much excitement for nervous guts. You can’t trust a fart. Under normal circumstances this anecdote would prove invaluable and quite useful in game planning. And it is, but there’s more.

Another 5 minutes and we’re leaving, a car waits for us at the curb. YHC was that close. I don’t say anything, not yet. @Pocahontas gets in first and then I follow, sitting down in the car to confirm my situation. I start laughing and she asks, “What is it, what’s so funny?”

I lean over to whisper at her cause I don’t want the driver to hear, and say, “I just shit in my pants.”

A guffaw, then this question: “Why’d you do that?”

As though I had weighed my options and determined that making doo-doo was the best course of action.

Now look, I believe in my heart that this casual exchange was due to the fact that I recognized the importance of breaking the fart barrier very early on in our relationship. You break it early, then often, so they know well ahead of time that your spirit animal’s a pig. You can’t go sharting around someone you just married, that ain’t right. But a girlfriend? You can fart around them as much as you damn well please.

A broken fart barrier and more importantly a home without a fart barrier, is the secret to a strong relationship and an enduring marriage.

Look it up. Learn about it. New scientific research purports that stinky farts have tremendous health benefits and can even help stave off strokes, heart attacks, cancer and dementia for recipients in the direct line of fire, namely your spouse.

Don’t be that guy that has to excuse himself to fart in the toilet closet or worse, has to go outside every time intestinal gas gets the best of him. You start hiding farts in the wind like that and you lose the benefit.

Go on, break the fart barrier! You’ve got one month to make it right, Uncle. And tell her you’re looking out for her best interest, that you think she’s worth it #WinWin

The Full Monty:

By my Garmin, with the run in and out, we (and by we, I mean me) covered 13.1 miles this morning.

Not bad.

According to @Subway’s Strava account, that’s 1 ½ more miles than he completed @CorporateCup

I had to sit on that Subway joke for a couple months.

But the truth is I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about that DNF and can’t quite get my head around it. It bothers me. I’m disappointed that he lost the mental game and chose to quit. I appreciate him being honest about it, although I’m not sure how one loses the will to run on a 13 miler #toughlove. That didn’t need to happen. What bothers me most is that we weren’t there to bail him out. I’m not pointing fingers, I wasn’t there, but I don’t think it happens if I’m running that race and sweeping the 1:30 crowd. You should have the same attitude. He got jammed up and needed a cheerleader more than anything else and he didn’t get one. Again, I don’t have all the details – for all I know he went and hid in the bushes. I know this, there are a lot of good men in F3 and I would hope and assume someone stopped to aid him. Maybe they did, weren’t aggressive enough and were waved off by an ornery and defeated man. Maybe. Or we missed him because we were too consumed with our own personal goals for the day and chose not to stop and help him. I don’t know. You can argue that in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal. But you’re wrong. That’s you trying to convince you (and whoever) that it’s okay, and it’s not. DNF’s are a big deal. Quitting is a big deal. It’s not like you can have it expunged or out run it #nexttime

For one, at least for me, I wouldn’t want to try and explain that shit to my kids. Next thing you know, they drop piano lessons because they’re not “feeling it”, then move your shit out of the Master Ensuite because they want a bigger bedroom.

I wish I was there for you, I really do. I would have pumped you so full of @LeonardLowe’s L-Dopa #Awakenings it’d make your head spin. If you’re still acting like a #p _ _ s_ ™ you’re getting short-roped like @Haywood&Posse on Rainier #F3Mountaineers. But you’re coming with me!

Move!!!

We talk a good game, fellas, but we have to help each other out.

DNF’s are reserved for injury and illness. That’s it. My bad, I would have said something sooner but I thought it was understood.

Can’t imagine this is the first F3 DNF, nor will it be the last, but for Pete’s sake have some perspective. And when you’re struggling, gratitude. There are folks in this world that would give anything to be able to do what we do. We have homeless men @CRM trying to kick crack and some of you cry about running a hard mile. BTW your precious race times don’t mean shit. You know, in the grand scheme of things.

Are you prepared to give up your goal to get someone else to the finish line?

The Finale:

YHC was invited to Uncle’s wedding. I told him, “Sorry, can’t make it, I have more important things to do that weekend.” It was a rude thing to say and I definitely didn’t mean it the way it came out. “Sorry, I’m busy.”

That’s not it and feel I owe him a better explanation than that.

The truth is, I have a weekend tradition with my family. We’ll typically order take out on Friday nights – Chinese, Italian, Chick-fil-A – and we’ll rent a Redbox to watch.

Well, everybody knows those rentals are only good for 24 hours and late fees are like a $1.50 a day. I will need to have the DVD returned no later than 9p that Saturday #HIMpriorities

Uncle, I think the world of you. In an alternate universe where we’re both single and play for the other team, I’m thinking, oh, I don’t know, drinks and a drag show, maybe, see where it goes. I just made it weird, didn’t I?

I wish you and Enas the very best! Being married is like being on the best ride in the park. You get to hang out with your BF every day and have sleepovers every night. It’s a lot of fun. I know you’ll be a terrific husband and should you decide for 2.0s an even better dad.

I love you, kid. Godspeed and God bless.

Enjoyed it this morning!

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” –Henry Ford

 

Muthaship Monday

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