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Kicking Elesh Norn’s Butt in 45 Minutes or Less: A MTG Workout

All BackBlasts Backblasts

July 11th, 2023 By Constitution

On this down right chilly morning (especially compared to the 78 degrees last week at 530am!) 10 misfits came together to form a motley crew ready to battle the invading Phrexians. As Constitution shared the workout for the day a few confused looks were passed around wondering if the Magic the Gathering convention had gathered at the wrong location. Hootie was seen emailing the pope himself to see if an exorcism could be performed to save Constitution’s soul. But soon the battle was on and the pursuit of victory was afoot. In the end, victory would come down to a single roll by Redtape……

PAX: Magic Mike, Othello, Uncle Floyd, Constitution, Bucky, Murtaugh, Redtape, TarTar, Zen, Hootie

Q: Constitution

Count: 10
FNG: 0

Warm up

– Do each exercise for 30 seconds

– Exercises: SSH, arm circles, squats, lunges, high knees, butt kicks.

You are a planeswalker preparing for an epic battle. You need to warm up your body and mind before you face your enemies. You are on the plane of Ravnica, a vast city-world ruled by ten guilds. You have allied yourself with one of them, and you are about to join their forces in a massive war against the invading Phyrexians, a horde of biomechanical monstrosities that seek to corrupt and conquer all life.

The Thang

– Roll the dice and do the corresponding exercise for 45 seconds, then rest for 15 seconds before rolling again. Repeat until you complete 35 minutes.

Exercises:

Theme: You are in the midst of a fierce battle against various foes from different planes. Each exercise represents a different enemy or challenge you have to overcome. Use your skills and abilities to defeat them and survive.

Story:

    – You join your guildmates in the streets of Ravnica, ready to face the Phyrexian threat. You see their twisted forms emerging from portals and spires, spreading their oil and metal across the city. You hear their screams and roars, echoing in your ears. You feel their malice and hunger, piercing your soul.

    – You charge into the fray, casting spells and swinging weapons. You encounter different types of Phyrexians, each more horrifying than the last. You roll the dice and do the exercise that matches your enemy.

        – Burpees: Praetors. The leaders of the Phyrexian factions, these are powerful and cunning beings that command their minions with authority and cruelty. They are also formidable fighters, wielding weapons and magic of their own. You have to dodge their attacks and strike back with force.

        – Mountain climbers with cross-body twist: Skithiryx. A massive dragon that breathes poisonous gas and infects its victims with its claws and fangs. You have to run fast and avoid its breath and bites.

        – Merkins with shoulder tap: Compleated elves. Once proud and noble beings of nature, these elves have been corrupted by Phyrexia and turned into twisted servants. They use bows and blades to attack from afar or close in. You have to deflect their shots and parry their strikes.

        – Peter Parkers: Myr. Small but numerous, these metallic creatures swarm around you and try to overwhelm you with sheer numbers. They can also explode or mutate into different forms. You have to keep moving and fend them off.

        – Dips with leg raise: Golems. Large and sturdy, these constructs are made of metal and flesh, fused together by Phyrexian oil. They can smash through walls and crush anything in their path. You have to use your legs to kick them away or jump over them.

        – Flutter kicks with scissor: Thopters. Flying machines that buzz around you and shoot lasers or bombs at you. They can also kamikaze into you or drop nets or wires to trap you. You have to use your abs to dodge their attacks or catch them in mid-air.

        – Bear crawls: Wurms. Giant worms that burrow underground and emerge to devour you whole. They can also spit acid or fire at you or whip you with their tails. You have to crawl fast and avoid their mouths and projectiles.

        – Jump squats: Horrors. Abominations that defy description, these creatures are made of random body parts and metal scraps, stitched together by Phyrexian oil. They can shapeshift, regenerate, or sprout new limbs or weapons. You have to jump high and land hard to crush them or escape them.

        – Superman: Angels. Fallen servants of the divine, these winged beings have been corrupted by Phyrexia and turned into ruthless killers. They fly above you and strike you with swords or spears or magic. You have to use your back and glutes to fly up and meet them or knock them down.

        – Side plank dips: Zombies. Undead corpses that have been reanimated by Phyrexia and augmented with metal parts. They shamble towards you and try to bite you or infect you with their oil. You have to use your obliques to sidestep them or push them away.

        – Reverse crunches: Slivers. Hive-minded creatures that share abilities and adapt to any environment. They can grow claws, wings, spikes, or anything else they need to survive and thrive. You have to use your lower abs to curl up and protect yourself or attack them.

        – Skaters: Vampires. Bloodthirsty predators that have been enhanced by Phyrexia and turned into ruthless hunters. They can fly, turn invisible, or charm you with their gaze. You have to use your legs to skate away or chase them.

        – Inchworms: Spiders. Creepy crawlers that spin webs and inject venom into their prey. They can also climb walls, jump far, or grow extra eyes or legs. You have to use your arms and legs to inch forward or backward to avoid their webs and fangs.

        – Donkey kicks: Beasts. Wild animals that have been mutated by Phyrexia and turned into savage killers. They can roar, charge, claw, or bite you with ferocity. You have to use your glutes to kick them back or run away.

        – Freddy Mercuries: Goblins. Mischievous and chaotic creatures that love explosions and mayhem. They can throw bombs, fire rockets, or ride machines into battle. You have to use your core to pedal fast and evade their blasts or catch them.

        – Lunges with twist: Humans. The most common and diverse race in the multiverse, some humans have willingly joined Phyrexia and become compleated. They can use any weapon or magic they can get their hands on. You have to use your legs and torso to lunge forward and twist sideways to fight them.

        – Carolina Dry Docks: Elementals. Manifestations of the natural forces of the plane, these beings have been corrupted by Phyrexia and turned into unnatural disasters. They can control fire, water, earth, or air to attack you. You have to use your shoulders and arms to push yourself up and resist their power.

        – Glute bridges: Oozes. Slimy blobs that ooze around and absorb anything they touch. They can also split, grow, or change color or shape. You have to use your hips to bridge up and squeeze them out or escape them.

        – Your choice: Wild card. You can choose any exercise you want or make up your own. This is your chance to show off your creativity and skill.

    – You fight bravely and fiercely, but the Phyrexians are relentless and endless. You see your guildmates fall one by one, overwhelmed by the invaders. You feel a surge of anger and sadness, but also determination and hope. You roll the dice one last time and do the final exercise before moving on to the ab workout.

Mary

– Roll the dice and do the corresponding exercise for 30 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds before rolling again. Repeat until you complete 6 minutes.

– Exercises:

Theme: You have reached the final showdown against the evil mastermind behind all the chaos: Elesh Norn, the Grand Cenobite of Phyrexia. She is a powerful praetor who commands the white-aligned faction of Phyrexia, known for her obsession with order, purity, and perfection. She has come to Ravnica to spread her gospel of compleation and make all life in her image.

Story:

    – You find Elesh Norn in the heart of Ravnica, surrounded by her loyal followers and minions. She is a towering figure of white metal and flesh, with four arms, two legs, and a long cloak that covers her lower body. She has a mask-like face with no eyes or nose, only a mouth that speaks in a cold and a crown of horns that radiates light. She sees you and smiles, revealing her sharp teeth. She speaks in a voice that echoes in your mind: “Welcome, planeswalker. You have fought well, but your struggle is futile. You cannot stop the inevitable. You cannot resist the glory of Phyrexia. You can only join us or die.”

– You refuse to give up or give in. You gather your remaining strength and courage and challenge her to a final duel. You roll the dice and do the exercise that matches your attack.

    – LBCs: You cast a spell of light and blast her with a beam of holy energy. She blocks it with her cloak and counters with a wave of darkness.

    – Leg lifts: You summon a creature of air and fly up to strike her from above. She grabs you with her arms and throws you down to the ground.

    – Freddy Mercuries: You conjure a weapon of fire and slash at her from side to side. She dodges your swings and slashes back with her claws.

    – American Hammers: You create a device of metal and shoot bolts of electricity at her from different angles. She deflects them with her horns and shoots back with her own bolts.

    – Squirm: You invoke a force of nature and cause vines and roots to sprout from the ground and wrap around her legs. She breaks free with her strength and causes the ground to shake and crack.

    – Hollow hold: You channel a power of mind and try to invade her thoughts and will. She resists your intrusion and tries to invade yours.

– You exchange blows and spells, but neither of you can gain the upper hand. You are both exhausted and wounded, but you are also determined and stubborn. You roll the dice one last time and do the final exercise before ending the workout.

– The outcome of the battle is up to fate. Redtape bravely rolled the dice with victory balancing on a single roll. 9 or less, a loss, 10 and up a victory. With sweat dripping, he faced Elesh Norn and rolled a 19!!!! The motley crew shocked her with a finishing blow that sent the rest of the Phyrexian confused, terrified and in despair. They retreated and these 10 heroes were forever remembered. Well done.